Masters of Horror: Pick Me Up (2006)

Director: Larry Cohen

Synopsis: A bus carrying 5 passengers breaks down in the middle of nowhere. Luckily, a crazy truck driver and a psycho hitchhiker are there to kill them all.

My Take: This one took a few minutes to convince me. The dialogue is lame and the character interactions are unrealistic. At first glance, the casting choices seem terrible. But don't worry. Everyone that sucks dies pretty soon.

Then we get to the good parts. The trucker and the hitchhiker did a pretty good job playing their roles. Putting these cliché horror villains together was a wonderful and completely original idea. The part I enjoyed the most in this film was trying to figure out the dynamic between the two killers. Do they know each other? Is this a game? Watching them interact is the best part of the movie.

The ending is completely unnecessary. I enjoyed the movie much more without it. It is obviously a nod to Cohen's 1990 horror flick Ambulance. This is just one of many references to other horror movies this one makes.

The Rundown:

• Best Death: I always enjoy seeing a head getting slammed in a door. A bus cargo hold door will do.
  
• Worst reason to scream: After being mutilated by a crazy killer, you start screaming because he is applying lipstick to the duct tape over your mouth? I think you are the crazy one.
  
• Best Line: [While chasing a girl through the woods]: "Come on, how many times have we seen this? I know you saw this in Texas Chainsaw... Both fucking versions!"

Rating:

Masters of Horror: Imprint (2006)

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Director: Takashi Miike

Synopsis: An American journalist goes to a Japanese whorehouse to find his lost love.

My Take: I watched Imprint a while back, but it took a while to fully grasp this episode. This was my first taste of Miike, and I gotta say I want more.

Strange.

Great story telling technique. I am not sure of his motivations, but Miike insisted on Japanese actors who clearly didn't know English. Thank god for the aforementioned American journalist character. Billy Drago's laughably bad performance synced up nicely with the rest of the acting.

But I barely noticed it...

Because Miike's unusual casting decisions only allowed me to focus completely on the story, not the delivery. Meanwhile, he had me mesmerized by what I saw on screen. Some things were painful for me to watch (and that takes a lot in horror) but I COULD NOT LOOK AWAY. And I tried...oh I tried...

Unlike anything the genre has given me before, I would say. What a great feel this one had. It was eerie, creepy, disgusting.

The Rundown:

• Ok I think you lost me: Did Miike run out of money near the end? I am not sure how I felt about gremlin hand. Bad special effects.
  
• Best acting: Dead fetus # 671.
  
• Best use of a dead pregnant woman's belly: Poke it with an oar.
  

Rating:

Masters of Horror: Dance of the Dead (2005)

Director: Tobe Hooper

Synopsis: Post-apocalyptic view of the world post zombie outbreak.

My Take: I always enjoy seeing different visions of how life will be like after a zombie attack. This one doesn't disappoint. Perhaps a commentary on how the real world is progressing, most of the youth are demoralized and driven by primal urges and survival. Meanwhile a minority is holding on to nostalgia of a more civilized time.

A band of the baddies encounter Peggy, a sheltered girl working in her mom's diner, and bring her along for a night of mayhem.

Robert Englund is disgustingly creepy as the emcee of The Doom Room - the bar/club/whatever that our group ends up at.

I didn't completely understand what the "zombie rules" were in this one, as we are only given clues about their nature.

Thank god this episode is not about prom night gone wrong. I won't spoil what the title is all about, but take it literal. And it involves cattle prods....

This was my first MoH experience and it was good enough to keep me coming back.

The Rundown:

• Worst Casting: The casting director must have been high on the MC's zombie juice when he/she chose Jonathan Tucker as Jak (the male lead). Terrible. Completely unconvincing.
  
• I saw that coming: From the beginning we are made to wonder what happened to Peggy's sister. The twist near the end is hardly a surprise.
  
• Most disgusting scene: How do I say this? Robert Englund...zombies...oral sex...
  

Rating:

American Psycho (2000)

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Director: Mary Harron

Synopsis: A Wall Street trader can't...stop...killing!

My Take: In the opening monologue Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale) describes himself as a soulless body. The pressure of societal conformity has repressed Bateman's (and presumably others') true self. All thats left is 1980s zombies (not traditional zombies, in the horror sense). Bateman and his colleagues are interchangeable. Throughout the movie, Bateman is continually mistaken for other members of his office. They all look and act pretty much the same. There is no depth to their thoughts or their actions. The only distinguishing characteristics are the shade of white (eggshell, white, off-white, etc) used as the background on their business cards.

Bateman snaps. His first victim is the perfect archetype for the creature he seeks to become, Paul Allen (his business card is white). As Bateman's killing spree continues, his critiques of '80s pop music (which make for an excellent soundtrack) which he gives to his soon-to-be victims, contrast wonderfully with the shallow (but telling) dialogues among the group of traders.

This film is deep with meaning and social commentary that applies beyond the 1980s backdrop of the movie. Excellent writing and Bale's impeccable performance make this a masterpiece. Pay careful attention during the ending and come up with your own theory on what actually happened.

The Rundown:

• Best Death: While this movie is highly story driven, the deaths are pretty cool. In my opinion, not just the best death, but possibly the best scene, is when Bateman kills Paul Allen.
  
• Moron Award: This one goes to the hooker that got in Bateman's limo for a SECOND rendezvous.
• Best Line: "When I get to Paul Allen’s place, I use the keys I took from his pocket before disposing of the body. There is a moment of sheer panic when I realize that Paul's apartment overlooks the park... and is obviously more expensive than mine." -Patrick Bateman

Rating:

Return in Red (2007)

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Director: Tyler Tharpe

Synopsis: Small town life is disturbed by a mysterious van with electromagnetic mind control equipment.

My Take: Ah, small town life. Full service gasoline. Everybody knows your name. You can walk the streets without fearing for your safety. Until electromagnetic waves control everyone's mind, turning them into...something. There. I just saved you from watching the first hour of the movie.

Nothing really happens for a while. Even though I enjoyed the feel of the movie and the setting, it had a slow set up with characters I really don't like or feel for. Tharpe taps a Psycho style twist, somewhere in the middle, which leaves the viewer more confused than horrified.

It sounded a lot more interesting than it turned out to be.

The Rundown:

• Biggest Disappointment: The cause of the "zombies" in this one sounds original until it plays out. Much more could have been done with the idea.
  
• Best Death: The deaths were few but decent. One of the "zombies" stabs himself through the roof of his mouth. But the trophy goes to the forklift stabbing and decapitation.

Rating:

Dead Meat (2004)

Director: Conor McMahon

Synopsis: A Mad Cow epidemic spreads to humans in the Irish countryside.

My Take: At first I was skeptical of a zombie outbreak due to a mutated mad cow strain. And then when a stuffed cow kills a farmer in the opening scene, I was about to shut the movie off, but for the fact that I was laughing too hard. Then the movie got started.

As Helena (Marián Araújo) tells her boyfriend as they are driving on a lonely road, the countryside is beautiful. What a great setting for terror and mayhem. It gets going fairly quick and the pace of the movie holds up throughout. The last fifteen minutes or so are pretty intense. The awesome ending is icing on this delicious cake.

The camera work is imaginative and brilliant. The acting was fine (but it could be the thick accents that made it seem that way). McMahon, who also wrote this feature, gave the characters a lot of depth. Helena is very dynamic. At the start she seems to be the typical , scared weakling in high heels. Surely she will die early.... Or did I judge her too soon? (I made a point to emphasize her heels, as did the director in a curious camera angle. Keep an EYE on those heels!)

This movie had all the zombie essentials. A good amount of ACTION, with the best scene saved for last. ORIGINALITY in story and setting. INVENTIVE kills and decapitations (NOT ONE GUN WAS USED IN THE MAKING OF THIS FILM). And - a must for any horror movie - an excellent SCORE (by John Gillooley), which fit so perfectly. Also, a little bit of COMEDY never hurts.

I really liked the group of survivors in this one. Finally, a bunch of smart people in a zombie crisis! Everyone is self-reliant and resourceful. The guy and his wife are kinda nuts but it is funny.

The Rundown:

• Best Death: Vacuum + Eyeball + Brains= That filter is gonna be clogged....
• Creepiest Moment: Though I am still not completely comfortable about the whole cow thing, a bunch of zombies SLEEPING (!?) while standing in a field is pretty eerie.
• Funniest Moment: The little fat girl getting stuck while trying to climb through the fence was pretty hilarious.

Rating:

House of the Dead 2 (2005)

Director: Michael Hurst

Synopsis: There's a zombie outbreak on a college campus. A month later someone decides to do something about it. A team of scientists and soldiers are sent to the campus to get a sample of the virus so a cure can be found. They only have a few hours to accomplish their mission before the campus is destroyed by missiles.

My Take: Why didn't they use a radio or a cell phone to call the people shooting the missiles? Anyway.... As you can imagine the whole crew doesn't make it through the campus alive. The movie is pretty much just the team getting dwindled down while poor attempts for side-plots keep cropping up.

There was really no depth to the characters. The writing is terrible. The zombies are not scary or creepy. In fact, I think they forgot to put zombie make-up on some of them. By the way, they call the zombies "Hypersapiens". Gay.

Don't waste your time on this one unless it is 4am and the only other thing on TV is "Growing Pains". On second thought, if it is on TV they cut out the one good scene.... Stick with "Growing Pains".
The Rundown:

• Moron Award: The team is just a bunch of idiots the whole way through, but they make their biggest boner when they decide to go back into the zombie infested building to complete their mission after losing 90% of the team.
• Best Idea: Even though his plan was way over complicated and only served for a throw-away suspense scene, Ellis (Ed Quinn) smears zombie goo all over him like Arnold smearing mud on himself in Predator. The idea is that the zombies will think he is one of them by hiding his living flesh scent. They should bottle that stuff up like deer piss. I'd buy it.

Rating:

Day of the Dead (2008)

Director: Steve Miner

Synopsis: A group of survivors are looking for a place to bunker down when the zombie outbreak begins.

My Take: This movie got terrible reviews. I almost wrote it off when I found out Nick Cannon plays a main character. I watched it out of curiosity and I am so glad I did. While it was lacking in story, Day offers great action. The fight scenes are great and the zombie kills are imaginative. Nick Cannon even does a good job. He was very convincing as the reluctant hero.

The writing is pretty poor and I didn't like the zombies so much in this one but the action and imagination save it from being all that bad.

Straight to video. Probably for the best, but still worth your time to check it out.

The Rundown:

• My Favorite Scene: The fight scene when Balthazar (Nick Cannon) rigs a spear out of a bone saw when they leave the hospital.
• My Second Favorite Scene: The chaos at the hospital when the outbreak first occurs is interesting to see.
• Worst Part: The zombies are not only "fast zombies", they can climb walls and ceilings like Spiderman on crack. This completely defies zombie physics.

Rating:

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Director: Zack Snyder

Synopsis: A cop, a nurse, Mekhi Phifer, and his wife head to a mall to survive a zombie outbreak. They encounter mall security when they arrive. A truckload (literally) of newcomers show up halfway through to add to the mix.

My Take: New-age, "fast zombies" make this film less creepy than the original, but arguably more scary. I enjoyed seeing an alternate and updated way of things working out in a mall during a zombie outbreak. The characters were very archetypal, but it worked out in a good way.

The gore was pretty good in this. Snyder was obviously going for shock and awe. The zombie baby didn't really do it for me...waste of film.

The Rundown:

• Worst Death(s): The old guy foolishly stumbles while wielding a chainsaw and hacks up a bunch of people. It might sound good (does it?), but it played out terribly and was obviously a plot device to kill off some of the large (too large?) cast.
• The Moron Award: This movie's Moron Award goes to, Nicole, the stupid teenage girl that risks everyone's life to go get her dog. Zombies don't eat dogs you idiot! Though, I didn't see any Korean zombies at the mall. Shoot me a screencap if YOU find one...I digress...

Rating:

Diary of the Dead (2007)

Director: George A. Romero

Synopsis: Said to take place concurrently with Night of the Living Dead, Diary offers another point of view of the original zombie outbreak.

My Take: I am glad Romero had a chance to show us modern day reactions to a zombie outbreak. Having said that, this one is for the die-hard fans only. The low budget can be blamed for the poor acting. And while the First Person point-of-view is interesting and somewhat original (to the horror genre), the gimmick gets old after a while.

I spent the entire movie waiting for a climax that never came.

Points for originality and the social commentary.

The Rundown:

• Worst Scene: The climax...it never happened.
• Best Scene: While the characters acted like idiots during the hospital scene, it was interesting to see the state of affairs of the hospital after a zombie attack.

Rating:

Land of the Dead (2005)

Director: George A. Romero

Synopsis: The last humans left after the zombie apocalypse have formed a city. Those rich and powerful enough live in a giant tower that is complete with shopping mall. The rest are kept distracted with brutal entertainment and a loss of morality. The city's zombie task force, led by Riley (Simon Baker), is in charge of bustin' up zombies outside the city and bringing supplies back for the rich folk. This arrangement doesn't turn out so well for one of the task force members and he goes rogue, hijacking the city's heavy artillery.

My Take: This movie wasn't particularly loved, not even by Romero fans. I did like seeing the writer/director's vision of the future of the zombified world.

Hopper's performance as the chairman of the tower was great and his character was pretty convincing.

While I understand the concept of the zombies evolving, I don't like it when zombies begin to use reason instead of being driven by their primal instincts- to feed on the flesh of the living. It takes away what is scary about them.

I agree with Romero's vision of the last city's underbelly. I think debauchery would run rampant if people were faced with what seemed to be the end of the world and didn't have the money to recapture some of their past, civilized lives.

The Rundown:

• Worst Character: John Leguizamo's rogue wasn't very convincing. If you are going to have the balls to take on the leader of the known world you better be a bad ass. Also, it was hard to watch John Leguizamo's dead tooth for two hours.
• Best Scene: Every scene with sexy Asia Argento wearing as little as possible.

Rating:

Day of the Dead (1985)

Director: George A. Romero

Synopsis: A new crew of survivors to Romero's zombie outbreak series battle the creatures from an underground military bunker.

My Take: This SUPER-LOW budget, third installment seemed more of an open forum for Romero than did the previous films in the series. Day, through the mix of scientists and soldiers, explains the zombie outbreak's effect on individual psychology and on society. Also, this movie takes a scientific look at the zombies' behavior.

I am not sure how I feel about "Bub" in this movie, but he is the inspiration for Fido (a 2006 movie with an interesting take on post-zombie outbreak life).

Everyone except for helicopter pilot (essential) and the radio operator made me sick. They were all crazy. But then again, this is the point. Who wouldn't go a little bonkers in seclusion, during the apocalypse?

The low budget kept this one from being as good as it could have been.

The Rundown:

• Worst Part: Once again in a horror movie, everyone in the military is a bunch of raging assholes.
• What made me sad: The only two people that had a grip on sanity, the pilot and radio operator, secluded themselves from everyone. That left only the morons to make decisions. This is the sad truth about society that Romero portrays so subtly.
• Best Death: Not only did I like the fact that the jack-ass leader, Captain Rhodes, met his just end, he stayed in character while being eaten. After hating him all along, we can love him with his last words to the zombies eating his innards: "Choke on 'em!"

Rating:

Dawn of the Dead (1978)

Director: George A. Romero


Synopsis: On the heels of the outbreak that started in Night of the Living Dead, two soldiers, a helicopter pilot, and a woman head to a mall in their helicopter. First they must bunker in, then collect supplies from the stores in the mall. They almost have everything under control when a band of marauders come to ransack the mall.

My Take: Unlike the 2004 remake, the zombies have swarmed the mall, adding to the danger and overall creepiness of this film. I also like how Romero decided to tell the story over a longer period of time (rather than one night in Night). Much more stuff was able to happen.

This is my favorite in Romero's Dead series and is one of my favorite zombie flicks of all time. The characters had more time to assess the situation they were in, and this really didn't cause the movie to drag. They were smart (for the most part). If something like a zombie outbreak is going down, the mall makes a nice temporary base of operation. We see the characters getting through all the types of obstacles you might imagine they would face.

The Rundown:

• Worst part: The young soldier pissed me off. I am surprised the others didn't let him fend for himself after he kept acting like a fool.
• I saw that coming: The helicopter pilot teaches his girlfriend to fly the helicopter. I'll bet THAT comes in handy...

Rating:

Night of the Living Dead (1968)

Director: George A. Romero

Synopsis: Johnny and Barbara are visiting a relative's grave when they get their first encounter with the reanimated dead. Barbara escapes to a nearby farmhouse where she and a few others must survive the night.

My take: This is the zombie movie that every future zombie movie is jealous of. George A. Romero's brand of horror always comes with not-so-subtle social commentary. I love how we get a look at a segment of different peoples' reactions. There is the almost catatonic Barbara, who alternates between being in shock and being annoyingly over-emotional. Then you have the paranoid family man who is only looking out for his own when it comes down to it. Of course, there is my favorite, the guy who looks at the situation logically and acts accordingly.

Bravo to Romero for making the intelligent hero a black guy right in the middle of the Civil Rights era.

The Rundown:

• I count 6 deaths.
• My favorite scene: I loved the special effects when the group is trying to gas up the truck and gets eaten. It made me hungry for wings.
• The best death: Sorry to spoil, but the father dies. Then again, the douchebags in horror movies usually die so we all saw that coming. But what makes Mr. Cooper's death great is who is eating him. Very appropriate...

Rating: